Ok, here it is. A correction, of sorts. The "If I was" meme, according to Zenmomma's original concept of following the song's structure and NOT changing the grammar:
if i was a punctuation mark,
I'd be a tilde cuz thass how I roll, muthafuckah.
If I could go beyond the ASCII character set, I'd be an accent aigu, cuz it's da shits, like a sword slicin' fer yer head, yo!
if i was a form of currency,
I'd be a cowrie shell cuz they're beautiful, like me.
if I was a hallucinogen,
I'd be Purple Owsley cuz that shit was goooooood. Peyote buttons are good, too, but dat shit makes ya puke and thass NOT how I roll.
if i was an element,
I'd be He(lium)-4 cuz it's supercool as a superfluid and the way it rolls is as a Clausius-Claypeyron relation, inexplicable except as a function of quantum mechanics. Fuckin-A, Bubba! Stare at dat shit while you're trippin' on Purple Owsley!
if i was a best-selling book,
I'd be a Dave Robicheaux novel by James Lee Burke.
if i was a philosophy,
I'd be a Bertrand Russell hardheaded pragmatist, of course.
if i was a thought,
I'd be Huginn, Odin's raven, who is "Thought."
if i was a way to understand love,
I'd be either simple or divine. No middle ground. No intellect. Actually, then, I guess I'd be a conundrum because love is not something which lends itself to "understanding." It simply is.
if i was a boot,
I'd be an Asolo AFS 8000 mountaineering boot. With a 12-point crampon already attached.
if i was a hue,
I'd be 6438.4696 angstrom units, which would make me cadmium red; and therefore I'd also be a slightly dated standard unit of measure which is still *cooler* than using nanometers. I mean, nanometers, how pedestrian. Angstrom units – that's the ticket to Coolsville. [Did this one in my "If I were" post.]
if i was a soup,
I'd be soupe a l'oignon gratinee. My own, of course; it's delish to the power of ten.
if i was time,
I'd be the first Planck unit after the big bang. Imagine… And I'd also, naturally, be space. And I’d be luxuriously curved. And complex. But deeply beautiful. And simple in my exquisiteness.
if i was a drink,
I'd be a kir royale. Real men drink champagne cocktails. Deal wit it, homes!
if i was a play,
I'd be "Springtime for Hitler." Well, what the hell else could I be? Lysistrata? Iphigenia at Aulis? Not fuckin' likely.
if i was a long distance carrier,
I would NOT let the President have access to my customers' private conversations without a court order. Fuck that asshole! Impeachment NOW! Or, at least, criminal prosecution after he leaves office!
and, if i was this song,
I'd actually be a different song. I'd be "By Request" better know as "We Don't Play That Shit!" By me, of course.