Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Unsub profile

This post is actually just a comment on this post about this photo.

It should be obvious to even the most casual observer that this unsub is a desperately dangerous dastard. Therefore, we have sought out a noted profiler to give us some insight into this creature. We easily decided on our first choice and selected Dr. Hannibal Lecter to do a profile for us. Unfortunately, as it turned out, that was not possible. We were all too fucking afraid of him and nobody had the balls to contact him, even by e-mail, much less by phone, and if you're thinking in person… Well, go visit him yourself, if you think you're so tough! We ain't that stoopid. So, we went with our second choice.

He may be only #2 on our list but he doesn't make us go #2 in our pants like Lecter does. Therefore, he's #1 in our hearts and besides he drives a Porsche and plays blues piano so he must be a pretty cool guy. And we're not afraid that he's gonna kill us and cook us and eat us, not necessarily in that order. He is a psychiatrist. He has been a detective for the D.C.P.D. and an FBI senior agent. He is currently a consultant to the D.C.P.D. and also continues to provide profiling services to the FBI. He was portrayed in two movies about his cases by Morgan Freeman. Please allow us to introduce our guest expert, Dr. Alex Cross. (With our thanks to James Patterson for the loan.)

Dr. Cross…

Thank you. I'm happy to be here today and I'm very glad you decided to call me in on this one. I only hope we're in time to stop him before he strikes again. Remember that profiling is an inexact science but it is nonetheless a useful tool in defining and tracking offenders who are more than a few sigmas out toward the asymptotic end of the curve. And lemme tell you, this guy is WAY out there where things start to get really flat! Let's dissect this unsub scientifically and rationally:

He is a wackadoo of the first water. No question in my mind.

This is a White male, approximately 60 years of age. Decrepit old bastard but still dangerous. Some highly probable characteristics of this unsub are: He has a family and can appear to be fairly normal. Lives in a house. Despite the fact that he can maintain a semblance of normalcy, he cannot sustain such an act. He continually gives away his true self to an aware observer. It's highly likely that he has a collection of edged weapons, most likely swords. Many swords. It's also likely that he has no guns. He disdains them as impersonal and proletarian, the tool of a worker rather than the instrument of an artist. He sees himself as an elite aesthete and will typically argue ad crumenam and never ad lazarum.

As for what the physicality of this photo tells us…

Note the dark, all-concealing sunglasses. The truth of his putrescent personality hides in those dead eyes which he does not reveal to the public. The supercilious tilt of the head all-but screams out his adherence to the concept of a gom jabbar for humanity, with his own taste and perceptions being the yardstick for those who deserve to live as humans and those who don't. I guarantee that yardstick will be a preniciously persnickety one. And that smirk. Well, ya don't need to be a highly-paid psychiatrist profiler to know that that shit don't mean you no good. It makes me shudder just to look at it for more than an instant. He's been getting away with his vile vexations for a long time and his confidence is boundless.

Notice the essential baldness and length of that wispy grey hair. He's obviously far too egotistical to trim that mess or simply shave the already-mostly-bare top. It's a statement to the masses he despises. He's saying: I hate your society. I reject everything you stand for. I piss on your fast food and shit on your consumer goods. I was with SNCC and SDS and my alphabet soup is superior to your pathetic FBI and CIA. You suck. I'm cool. Fuck you and that Detroit POS you drove in on. You won't be driving out the same way cuz now you're my meat.

Scary, huh?

And that beard. I dunno what to say about that. At least it's better than chin pubes but ick! He's so obviously deranged I can't believe he hasn't been apprehended before now.

In conclusion, it is my professional opinion, both as a psychiatrist and as an officer of the law and of the court, that this hydrophobic hound should be put down. In plain English - Shoot him on sight. Shoot to kill. Shoot early. Shoot often. After you've emptied your first magazine, put in another one and empty it, too. In this instance, we distinctly recommend the official N.O.P.D. shooting policy which requires an officer to fire three warning shots into the heart of the suspect before yelling, "Halt! NOPD!"

Removing the head and burying it separately (Be sure to stuff the mouth with garlic!) wouldn't be a bad idea, either. Of course, fire is always good.

This guy is more dangerous than a syphilitic, drunken, one-toothed extra from Deliverance who just found a lost titanium American Express Black Card or, as Kanye West calls it, the African American Express Card. I have one and it's pretty damned cool. Anyway...

Thank you for your time today. As soon as we're done here, we'll be issuing a BOLO with an addendum of "Dangerous! The use of excessive force has been approved - shoot on sight!" to all law enforcement agencies worldwide.

Good luck to all of us with this monster running around loose!

Any questions?


  1. Pshaw.

    He is scary only when burned red beans and rice are involved.

  2. That's exactly correct! A man so dangerous that even an innocuous pot of red beans can become a dangerous weapon in his hands. It gives a terrifying new meaning to Sir Mix-a-lot's idyllic lyrics in Baby Got Back which state, "Red beans and rice didn't miss her!"

    Oh, the horror!

  3. I've seen him in action - he ain't all that. But the term beatific doesn't fit either.

  4. Beatific!! Where does it say that?!!! I need my indexing tools! The word definitely needs to be eliminated! Call NOPD!

  5. Yes, folks, we have a winner! Young Miss Sammie, who floored us perviously with her two-word quoted snark-of-the-week "Diplomatic. Sometimes." (Simply brilliant!) has returned to form with this three-word essay which has rich, hidden depths of meaning in two different posts on two different blogs: "Hey, it's Frank!"


    I give you the quintessential Queen of Snark, the splendiferous Stephanie! (See ya soon!)

  6. I still say he's sweet :P

  7. And Kelli wins the official Best Friend of the Day award for calling me "sweet" on both the original post on ZP and on this post.

    Foolish woman!

  8. No wonder he admires Dexter......
    The "other" Alex

  9. Heh. So Hannibal has his fava beans and Frank his red beans and rice. Do you enjoy those with a nice glass of chianti, Frank?

  10. Laura,

    I think, in context, that I'd probably lean toward absinthe! I'm not especially fond of the flavor of anise, except in anise cookies, but it's bearable in absinthe, which has a sophisticated and complex flavor profile, unlike ouzo, which is undrinkable (by me). Of course, because absinthe is illegal in the U.S. I would *never* advocate drinking it here. (wink, wink, nudge, nudge)

    Dr. Lecter can have his chianti. New Orleans red beans and rice (actually made with kidney beans)is a Creole/cajun dish and calls for a French offering, a nice red to stand up to the flavors of rb&r. I'll go with a 1988 Meo-Camuzet Clos de Vougeot. Yum. Add a crusty baguette to soak up the liquid then follow it with a nice garden salad. Perfect.

    Slurp-slurp-slurp sound effect, a la Dr. Lecter. Maybe in honor of Lecter I should make the rb&r with "long pork" instead of pickle meat.

    After that, me, I need some bread pudding with whiskey sauce, cher.