Thursday, July 24, 2008

Hwaet! We Gardena in geardagum…


Oh fuck!0 As of the beginning of August, they're out and free on the briny deep!


Numerous Virgins are still recovering from their ghastly, apocalyptic intercourse with the Merciless Marauders of the Millennium1. It was a terrible thing to witness for those who survived. Authorities believe alcohol may have been involved.

To paraphrase Dylan (That's Bob Dylan, not Dylan Thomas, whoever he was.), they ain't gonna work on Hrothgar's hall no more.

As Alcuin of York wrote when he heard of the viking raid on the monastery of Lindisfarne in 793: “The calamity of your tribulation saddens me greatly every day. When the pagans desecrated the sanctuaries of God, and poured out the blood of saints around the altar, laid waste the house of our hope, trampled on the bodies of saints in the temple of God, like dung in the street, what can we say except lament in our soul with you.”

Or as the Anglo-Saxon chronicle for that year says: "This year came dreadful forewarnings over the land of the Northumbrians, terrifying the people most woefully: these were immense sheets of light rushing through the air, and whirlwinds, and fiery dragons flying across the firmament. These tremendous tokens were soon followed by a great famine: and not long after, on the sixth day before the ides of January in the same year, the harrowing inroads of heathen men made lamentable havoc in the church of God in Holy-island, by rapine and slaughter."

Or as the educated exclaimed in the Church Latin of the day: "A furore Normanorum libera nos, Domine!"

That's right, suckers! We're going viking2.

That's Bob on the bow and I'm the one in the left rear with part of my helmet hidden by the sail. Hopefully, it'll be more like that than like this

It doesn't really matter either way, because...

when this

becomes this

and this

becomes this

Waitaminit! What the hell is this, then?

China Sea variant, I suppose?

in all cases, all you can do is lock up the women and hide the rum. Or is that the other way around?

Maybe hide the animals, too. It's the only way to be sure. Good thing for the manatees that they're a protected species. (Yeah, right! Like that's gonna save 'em from Cap'n Franko and his cohort of the coast, Cap'n Blacktoes, aka Bob the Merciless! His motto is: No K-Y for the manatees!) [I admit I'm at a bit of a loss when it comes to translating that into Latin.]

And wherever those two scurvy rapscallions sail, you can be sure that The Infamous Monkey Bastard is nearby. Woe unto you that are full, for ye shall hunger. Woe unto you that laugh now, for ye shall mourn and weep. Woe unto you that are with child, and to you that give suck in those days!

Pretty much woe to everybody when the IMB is on the scene. Sorry! East coast of Florida and Florida Keys, prepare yourselves. Here they come.


  1. Hwaet! I saw you were writing in Anglo-Saxon or something, which I can't read for crap, but can tell from a hawk or a handsaw. (out of anglo-saxon-period reference, but still...)

  2. Hi! Ya caught me in the process of editing/composing this post. The title is the opening of Beowulf in Old English.

    The rest is my usual psychotic maundering. I think I'm done with it now; but ya never know! (grin)

  3. For those among you who didn't notice on your own, I exhort you to examine the jolie rouge flag/art skull carefully. I like it! It looks like Bourbon Street to me.

  4. ok I'll admit to being an uneducated peasant and didn't really understand half of what you said but I'll be locking up the virgins just in case you get really off course and end up in New England : )

    Hope this trip is hurricane free!